Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A guide to getting your comments published

For the life of me I cannot understand why people who are ridiculously stupid can manage to apply for an internet connection, turn on the computer (while having it fixed up too!), perhaps enter a password, and then use a browser to log on to my website, and then leave comments.

To me, the steps seem pretty complicated, and I know that some readers have the mental abilities of a 7 year old. I don't know, would a 7 year old know how forms and hyperlinks work?

All these are very amazing to me.

Some I imagine to be so stupid, I sometimes get hit by a mental imagery of them walking over the edge of a very high cliff. BOOM! Off they go!

Like they are talking to their evil cousin or something, and the cousin goes like, "Eh, let's see how far u can walk backwards!" (which is towards the edge of the cliff of course) and the idiot goes like, "OK!" and he guffaws his underbite smile and promptly drops to his death.


Cousin: "Heeheehee")


When I am having such dreamy imageries I often find myself hanging precariously over dangerous spots but due to my superior intellect, I always manage to stop myself in time. The fact that Singapore doesn't really have cliffy edges help of course.

I mean, you don't really see much of the stupid comments on the comments link nowadays, because obviously I moderate comments.

I mentioned it a thousand times, but people still don't realise it.

So I wrote it where I thought everyone would see it:

This measure completely doesn't work.

Just today, I received a comment that went like this:
Xiaxue: My blog is so stupid! Oh my god, look at me, I think my blog is stupid! Hahaha!


This idiot obviously thought I would publish that comment, or she/he would not have spend time writing it to get deleted.

And that's why I always say I cannot fathom the way stupid people function. What makes them tick?

I was thinking about it, and I thought, well, you know how you sometimes tend to replace words you don't know with another word so that the sentence makes sense?

An example:

"I contemplated for a long time, and finally decided to go to Harvard instead of Oxford."

Now 'contemplated' in this sentence could mean... waited? pondered? or maybe even means pacing around repeatedly in a room.

I believe stupid people function the same way as normal people, except they are dumb right, so regardless of the whether the sentence makes sense finally, they replace it with their favourite word anyway.

The above statement might become:

"I breasts-ed for a long time, and finally decided to go to breasts instead of breasts."

(and proceed to wank)

Or the angry idiot would replace it with angry words.

"I killed my whole family for a long time, and finally decided to go to hell instead of heaven."

Of course, the word replacement gets them very upset indeed, so they proceed to scold the author in vehement tones.

Since my moderation sentence is relatively simple, I believe idiots do not understand what "moderated" means, and choose to do their typical replacement.

As you can imagine the statement wouldn't make much sense after their change.

Once and for all, stupid people, moderated means the comments have to be approved before they are published.

That means, anything that I don't like will be deleted before it even see the light of day, ok?

This also means you can stop wasting your time writing really stupid comments that go like, "Manboobs: I am a fat guy and I fucked Xiaxue. Last night. Many times."

I'll just go like "NO YOU DIDN'T! DIDN'T!!!!!!111" and viciously jab the delete button until your comment bursts.


What kinda comments get approved?

1) Do not spam.

If you overly promote your website, I delete. I don't like buay paiseh people.

Any comments that promote blogs I do not wish to promote will be promptly deleted too. :) I don't care even if you are on my side. I have too many comments to publish, and I won't waste my time editing away the links on your comment.

If detractors want traffic from me, they pay, like everyone else. Else, they can make me happy, and maybe I will link them. ;)

2) Do not accuse me.

Now people tend to misunderstand what I wrote, and then scold me according to what, in their warped perception, I did wrong.

For example, something like, "Please do not discriminate handicapped people. Do you know they are already having a lot of difficulties?"

Now I DO NOT discriminate handicapped people, and I never did, so even if the rest of your comment support me, it will be deleted. Reason? I don't want people to read your comment and ridiculously enough, believe that you said.

Fuck YOUR freedom of speech. My freedom of deleting is way more important. I'm not a fucking libertarian and I do not believe that the general public is capable of deciding for themselves what is right and what is wrong. Because the general public is stupid.

3) Do not impersonate.

Impersonating Kenny, Shuyin, Shan, whoever. Not gonna work.

4) Do not attempt to teach me how to live my life/how to blog.

I delete it not because it is a bad comment. I delete it just to irritate you, because I hate empty vessels and self-important bigots. When you are a successful person and your life is perfect, then you come and prove it to me (and not hide behind an anonymous mask), and I will approve your comment, ok?

Right now, just shut up.

5) Do not preach.

My blog is not a church. I do not believe in your religion, so I won't promote it here for you.

6) Do not insult my friends, family or dog.

Everytime you do that, I not only delete your comment, I also kick a random small animal. Now, how do you like that?

7) Do not be rude.

When I blog something offensive, say, wimpy guys, and you happen to be wimpy, remember, my blog entry was never personal. I didn't attack YOU, because I don't know who the fuck you are.

Therefore when you reply, do not launch personal attacks on me either.

Well you can, but it will be deleted.


Another thing I would like to admit here:

I sometimes approve mean comments, because I do think some are too stupid to be believed anyway, or because some are sincere constructive criticisms.

Now this person called Christian left a long, rude, mean comment some time ago, and uttered quite a lot of rubbish.

I approved it.

I think many people replied and argued with him there after, and of course, he wrote several long replies to all these people (all nonsensical, rude, and self-assuming).

I deleted them ALL!


Not because his replies were invalid or whatever, but because I am an internet bitch from hell, and because I CAN.

I love cheap thrills, and it makes me very happy to know that some of these haters get so boiling pissed when they are in turn the ones accused and now cannot even give the last word.

So yes people, I do that to people who are so determinded to find faults with me.

No need lar... this is my blog, and people see plenty of imperfections. I fart and lao sai too you know. I make mistakes too. :)

Take a rest, detractors, and stop giving yourself shit by leaving long, self-righteous comments. It only makes me (very) happy when I delete them.

Now let's see how many of you pass and manage to get your comments published. :)