Monday, January 4, 2010

Giving up

I'm writing this entry with a heavy heart.

Throughout my entire blog-writing journey, I've not felt this apprehensive about writing an entry. Even those controversial ones. This is because for the first time, I feel like I'm admitting something I'm doing which is wrong and therefore would be judged for it. And I deserve it.

Ok lah it's not like I've just murdered a baby...

I've decided to give Pumpkin away.

Friends and family would know that I've been contemplating this issue ever since about 8 months ago. I feel thoroughly down about it because I feel so guilt-ridden and I can't decide if I should or should not keep her. Sometimes I think I really am going to, then I decide to give her another chance.

I've never felt the same way about Pumpkin as I feel towards any human. But then again she's not human lah... If Pumpkin were human and male, she and I would be in a "complicated" relationship. Ever felt like you liked someone enough for occasional companionship, and after a while you DO love that someone... But not in that special way, and deep down you know you don't want to spend the next ten years with him??

ANYWAY. You people must be wondering WHY don't want to keep her.

Here's where I get defensive. It's not because I'm lazy. I've been cleaning her shit and taking good care of her for about a year now. Yup just checked. Bought her in January '09.

Reason 1)

I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't feel a connection with her. I feel like she doesn't LOVE me. I know people have extraordinary bonds with their pets and I do, with Nanolove (hamster), but just not with Pumpkin.

I know it's probably fuzzy whether or not a dog loves you since they can't speak, but I feel that you CAN tell. Most people would tell you confidently their dog loves them. Even I felt Cloudy loved me. But I can't say the same for Pumpkin.

As time has passed, she has become more sticky with me, but I still don't feel the bond. Here I am, rambling on like an emo freak, but it's true!

When I went to Bali with Mike, I left Pumpkin at a friend's place for 3 days... In that friend's house, Pumpkin was allowed to roam around the house freely coz my friend had a maid and they didn't mind cleaning up if she makes mistakes eliminating. In my house, Pumpkin is usually kept in her pen and allowed out only after I see her shit/pee. Then I trust her to go back to her toilet to do her business, which she normally disappoints. That's reason 2 but that's for later.

Anyway, after coming back from said friend's place... Pumpkin sulked for 2 whole days.

If I never saw her do this so distinctly I'd have never known that dogs are fully capable of showing goddamn emotions.

She sulked. She normally jumps up when she sees me, wanting to be let out... But even when I'm opening the pen's door, she refuses to come out! When I pulled her out, she just went back to her bed.

Her tail's droopy and she doesn't want to look me in the eye. And no, she wasn't sick.

She was just disappointed to be back home again.

And I felt SO ANGRY.

It's not the passing sort of pissed off feeling you get when someone messes up your food order. It's like a DEEP ROOTED MAD INJUSTICE kinda anger.

I just wanted to slap her so bad.

Fucking ungrateful BITCH!! Who is she to act like she doesn't like me??? Fucking bought her for $2,800, clean her shit, give her food and water, give her so much attention, and bought her so many toys! Who took her to the vet when she was ill?? AND THERE SHE IS, SULKING AT ME!!!

And obviously this frustration cannot be siphoned out of me because WTF right? She's just a dog. She doesn't know gratitude. She just plain doesn't like me, simple as that.

And I felt even more hurt... Must be something wrong with me if even my own dog doesn't like me, right?

Well obviously she doesn't like me coz I lock her up. But I can't not lock her up! See Reason 2.

Reason 2 why I am giving her away is because she is toilet-trained, but she just won't go in the right places. When she was a puppy, I spent MONTHS and MONTHS training her.

I've heard many stories of dogs who are paper-trained that pee in the right spot 99% of the time. I aimed for that. And god knows I tried.

I sat with her for hours, giving her treats when she pees correctly. I look at her all the time, trying to catch her if she is wrong, and bring her to the right spot to do it.

After hours and hours and hours, months later... She now does it correctly 99.9% of the time when she is in her pen (within the pen there is a cage where the newspapers are, the pen is not that small), but when she is let out of her pen, she does it correctly only about 80% of the time.

And she pees about 5 times a day (so annoying), so imagine... If I let her out of the pen the whole day, I'd have to clean her stray pee up once a day. That's if I can find where the pee is.

Don't tell me I mustn't have properly trained her. If I didn't, how can it be that she pees in the right place MOST of the time?

She knows where she has to pee. And when she doesn't do it correctly, she gets spanked (if she is caught doing it). For the life of me I cannot understand why she still obstinately does it wrongly!!!

Her FAVOURITE place to pee is on my pink carpets.

Can you imagine the frustration and disappointment?

I can understand if she is just a baby... I can understand if she makes mistakes but learns... But everytime I let her out of the pen, I've to be fucking worried that she pees on the couch/carpets/under the sofa etc. It makes me such a nervous wreck. I cannot be looking out for her to commit a mistake everyday of my life for the next 10 years... I cannot.

I want to trust her. I really want to. I've tried to trust her and let her have freedom to roam around the house, and everytime she sets my hopes up and never fails to disappoint me.

And I cannot express how disgusting it is to find week-old pee unexpectedly. MAD GROSS. I'm a clean freak when it comes to stuff like this and I simply cannot tolerate it!

Now that we moved to our new house which has carpet all over (the kind of carpet that cannot be removed), it is even more important to have her eliminate in the right place.

I've tried controlling her water intake. Doesn't work. I've tried putting pee pads instead of newspapers. Doesn't work. I tried sprays. Also doesn't work.

As a last resort I put her in diapers ($1 for 1, fucking expensive) and let her roam around the house everyday for a few hours.

But this cannot go on forever.

If I truly loved Pumpkin, I'd probably move to a place with no carpets and clean up after her. But I still feel resentful that she doesn't love me, so I don't really want to do shit for her, especially when she is being DELIBRATELY naughty.

And yes, she is delibrately naughty! Once, she peed underneath the mahjong table when we were playing mahjong! On the carpet! URGH!

(Please dog lovers don't give me that crap about her wanting attention. She gets LOADS of attention from everyone coz she is so cute)


Since she cannot be trusted to be let out of her pen, and especially not when I'm sleeping/out of the house, I feel REALLY guilty everytime I see her cooped up in her area...

But I can't let her out... Coz she would wreck the carpet...

This of course makes me feel extremely selfish and that she has every reason to love me even less, and that makes me sad.

Aren't pets supposed to make their owners feel loved and happy?

People always ask me to give Pumpkin time... She's just a puppy.

So I tolerated and waited for 8 months (wanted to give her away at the 4th month of having her)... I gave her more chances that I've ever given any human. If I cannot love her now, I won't be able to in the future either.

I know there are people who have dogs who pee everywhere too but they are just totally patient and would clean up without a complain. I'm sorry but I really can't...

Besides her peeing problem, she's a GREAT dog! She's totally independent, doesn't EVER bark, quick to learn new tricks, and loves to snuggle on laps. Plus she is soooooo small and cute. Everything I ever wanted except she doesn't love me. *sad smile* Therefore she deserves someone who will give her all his love, instead of lousy old me.

Momo said she found a friend of hers, angmoh family with 2 kids living in a landed house, who would love to adopt Pumpkin. A big part of the reason why I haven't given her away is because I don't know if the new owner will treat her better than I did. =( I'm so fucking guiltwrecked omg. But this family sounds great, so I guess I'd give her to them.

I'm also damn buay gam wan about spending so much money on her. Cost: $2,800. Vet bills + spaying: $500. Food + toys + diapers + pee pads: $500.

I just spent $200++ on 8 packets of goddamn dog food too. (Buy 6 'Fish 4 Dogs' get 2 free! Very good deal what!)

I know it's my own goddamn fault for spending so much on her. But I feel like I'm giving a Chanel bag away for free can? And I feel like if I sell her, that makes me a very bad person. URGH!

I wanna stop feeling bad. =( =(

p/s: I did not buy her on impulse. I considered getting a dog for 3 months before buying her. Just didn't work out the way I thought it would.

p/p/s: I feel terrible, like Pumpkin can read this and be thoroughly hurt.

UPDATE: I cannot believe there are people comparing Pumpkin to my own future children and asked me if I would give up my own children too.

"What if your baby like strangers more, would you give him up?"

What if your urge to have sex with someone nearish your age is an urge to have sex with little children? WOULD YOU DO IT??

You people are completely retarded. Two totally different issues here.

Relax for christ's sake.

Overreacting like FUCK. Dog will be happier, I'd be happier. Only you idiots are unhappier. Goodness knows why.

Thanks to those who replied considerately though. And for those with similar plights, I feel you. It's sad but such is life.