Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The conspiracy that deceived us all

It's 4am and I'm lying in bed hit by an urgent need to blog this. On my berry that is.

See just a few minutes ago I wanted to look at my hair. It's swiftly becoming my favourite asset because it's the most attention-grabbing thing that's growing from me. Granted it's tortured with loads of chemicals to turn it this colour but still... Gorgeous.

So basically to take "looking at my hair" to the next step I used two mirrors to see how an admiring person standing behind me will view my hair (lucky them!).

And it struck me that not only is it chio, it's bloody long!! It has - finally - hit my waist!!!

I'm officially one of those girls with waist-length hair!! Together with water nymphs and sirens and angels etc. (Poor village people not counted. Do they use serum? No. Anyway they probably just put on wigs when the discovery channel people come along. Duh. Poor AND zero integrity)

So anyway my point is that my hair is long!

And WHY is it long???

U may think the answer is so silly even those village people can answer it.

It is coz I haven't cut it in AGES!!

Simple... But yet... Due to a lie that has swept the world, most girls will tell u that long, healthy hair only exists coz of REGULAR TRIMMING.

Regular trimming my sweet ass.


Trimming does not, I quote most people, cut away the split ends so the hair can grow.

Rubbish. My hair. Waist. 1 year no cutting. 'Nuff said.

So here's my theory of how this conspiracy came about. One day, a dumbshit girl decided to cut her gorgeous long hair short thinking she will look spunky and refreshed.

Instead she just looked like a boy and nobody wanted to fuck her. So she went crying to her hairdresser and said, "I'm so bloody sad coz I used to be the pretty one in the group and now it's Jenny because her hair is all swishy!! Boohoohoo!!"

And she continued, hiccupping, "I just wish every other girl also would have short hair... By the time mine is long jenny's will be LONGER!! Boohoohoo!"

So the hairdresser had an epiphany and said, "Wait a min... I think I might have a solution!! That would benefit BOTH me and u!"

The next day when swishy Jenny went to the salon, the evil hairdresser then told jenny that she needs to "trim her ends" so that it will grow faster, longer, healthier!

Coz this would mean Jenny would keep coming back for trims, and that's business!!

"Are u sure?" said Jenny, "It seems highly illogical that I should be cutting something I wanna grow..."

The hairdresser used hair jargons (follicles!! R2D2!! Etc!!) and Jenny believed him.

So centuries passed and the myth that trimming hair aids hair growth ballooned to enormous severity.

Smarter girls who know the truth (like me) but are less nice are also helping to spread it.

Queen bitch had a bad haircut? She's also probably telling friends they have split ends and need a trim. Can't slim down gotta make 'em all fat!!

Girls who complain their hair never grow long? Also the idiots who "trim".

Girls with fab long hair DO NOT cut!!

(Instead they go for treatments and apply generous amounts of serum)

So yes, I'm letting u in on the secret of a lifetime!!

No matter what a hairstylist says, do not cut your ends if u wanna grow out your hair! It's a biz trick!

Girlfriend tries to persuade u to take an inch off? Don't hold back - punch her in the ovaries. How do u like that now, bitch? Friends don't sabotage friends to get "boycuts", aka "instant desexifier".

Now you may think that this blog entry is ridiculous and that there is plenty of proof/evidence/sciencey shit that shows hair grows faster with trimming.

Well that's coz you are either taken in by the lies spun by centuries of hairdressers who pay PR people to conjure nasty fake statistics and bribe scientists to lie...


You are one of those nasty girls who have ugly hair. Well sux2BU but seriously girl, go buy a wig and stop sabotaging the rest of us, yo.

Yes, you all may be weeping, reeling in the fact you have been deceived for years but shitloads of ill-meaning people.

But now you know better.

Ok I got this off my chest. You know what's also on my chest? My gorgeous long hair! Which I'm not gonna trim. Coz trimming is for dumbfucks.