Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Damsel in distress

I was just watching one of Jay Chou's old mtvs (青花瓷) and saw that in it was the recurring theme of some mad chio and desirable shu nv who gets forced into being some evil lord's sex slave/concubine etc.

And of course there is some poor but handsome and courageous boy out there whom she is really in love with.

I've never had a problem with that cliched plot except I was looking at the mtv and there she was, eyebrows prefectly drawn, with eyeliner and lipstick, sitting there alluringly playing the 古箏 looking all ready to be raped.

The 古箏 - led hundreds of Chinese girls to rape since the Shang Dynasty

I mean, seriously? You expect us to believe that?

Do not want

Very upset, just got raped

Starting to doubt the possibility of such plots actually happening.

As it is in real life us girls know how difficult it is to keep men interested, and indeed, horny. We get breast implants, wax off pubes, even sew our vaginas tighter - and yet these women from these olden days stories are like Bah, here he is again, really, I can't do anything to stop him from raping me!

(Please note in these stories it's not a one-time rape it's like the women actually stays in the guy's house and is entrapped)

And in these stories the girls are like always described as being fatally beautiful.

How hard is it not to be beautiful or attractive? Instead of getting raped by the evil emperor/general on a daily basis, here is what I suggest the damsel can do:

1) Give up teeth brushing and any form of oral hygiene plus eat loads of garlic.

2) Eat fried chicken everyday till super fat

3) Plan your morning poop to coincide with the usual time of rape

4) Put something undesirable (I'd suggest maybe a dead rat's head) down there and when he sees it you yell "Surprise!" If you get an infection all the better. Surprise again! I've got mysterious cauliflower-like growths, can't have sex today sorry.

5) Duh stop applying make up.

6) File your teeth super extra sharp.

7) Keep yelling the most unsexy things during sex ie:

- Omg your mom's looking through the window! HAHAHA GOTCHA!
- Wow your penis looks like the bonsai I planted this morning. You know the small purple one?
- Hey how's grandma?
- Have you filed your taxes this year?
- Harder and faster lah can't feel anything
- Talk like Shin chan

8) Stop taking baths

9) Tattoo a unibrow

10) Shave your head

See so many ideas I came up with in 5 mins. I'm sure these chicks have thought of these ideas but didn't do it.

Why? Coz they are sluts enjoying the attention! AHAHHAHAHA!

Yes this blog entry is very boh liao