Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A cavernous vagina

I've always liked Tina Fey and when I knew she wrote a book called Bossypants I immediately wanted to buy it, only to go to Borders (I actually made the effort to walk there from Ion) to find it bankrupt and non-existent. To add insult to injury there is a very sad-looking and by far the most derelict John Little I've ever seen in its place. Are you kidding me? At least put a F21 there or something to compensate me for my long, yes I'm spoiled, and unfruitful walk.

(To be fair to this John Little I later realised that it sells really cheap items which explains its lack of looks, which is fine by my books. Which I didn't have because Borders is bankrupt. Ba dum tss! Punny!)

I contemplated turning around to Kino to buy it but was too lazy and asked Mike to download it for me instead. But after downloading it I didn't bother to put it into my phone and thus didn't bother reading it.

Ok I'm getting to my point. I saw it at the airport two days ago and bought it for USD$15.99, which is a great price to pay for something that entertained me throughout my 18 hour plane ride when I was not sleeping.

Tina Fey is awesome! And I love reading new books because it always inspires me to write long rambling blog posts which are awesome to read later on in life when I forgot the jokes I made.

(To the people who are asking me to email them the ebook that Mike downloaded for me I say BUZZ OFF AND BREAK YOUR OWN LAW I ALREADY DELETED IT SO THERE IS NO EVIDENCE ALSO I BOUGHT THE REAL THING SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.)

The funniest paragraph that is in the book is this:

(Tina Fey recounting how the boys she likes never likes her back, in which this particular one is always asking her out for late night dates but never telling anyone about her. This time round he brought her to climb a mountain called Old Rag.)

He had brought his friend Gretchen up here (Old Rag) for lunch. He really liked her, he confided in me. Liked her so much that he didn't quite know what to do about it. After they have gotten all the way to the top and had the picnic lunch he'd prepared, he offered her a piece of Trident chewing gum, and Gretchen - he had to stop and smile at the adorableness of this - Gretchen had asked him to tear the piece of Trident in half because it was too big for her. "Can you believe that?" he marvelled. A girl so feminine and perfect that half a piece of Trident was the most she could handle.

I tried to process what this meant for my evening.

"So, you and I will not be dry humping, then?"


As I crawled into my bottom bunk I thought of how I climbed Old Rag. I thought about Gretchen, the girl who could only accomodate half a piece of gum.

"I hope you marry her," I imagined saying to HRW (the dude), "and I hope she turns out to have a cavernous vagina."

The last sentence made me laugh out loud like a maniac on the plane because Tina Fey (from now on referred to as Tina as she is clearly my soulmate) had just summed up my love life in a paragraph.

I was telling this to BFF about how I hate these frail vulnerable girls that all the boys are so eager to protect, leaving the funny, sarcastic ones like Tina and I to be friendzoned - which is even worse for the girls than for guys because we provide benefits in hopes we can get out. And not to mention that girls are way more emotional so we start thinking WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I'm smarter, I'm funny, I like star wars and I don't even think I'm uglier. I'd never find love should I be a lesbian but I do like penises oh dear god WHYYYYY

And just like that all my life I wished that these girls have cavernous vaginas. I didn't use the exact words of course, I usually vary between "dua cheebye", "smelly cheebye" and "hairy orh cheebye" which is way less refined than what Tina wrote but essentially the same thing.

Bff then replied that she thinks I don't like these girls and I don't want to be like them and yet men love them so I hate them.

I told her that's not true because 1) I actually don't give a shit about this girls if they were just being themselves, in fact, what's not to like about a mild tempered sweet girl who is probably really nice? 2) I actually WANT to be like them but I don't know how and simply can't without laughing out loud and then puking. 3) I hate them for the one reason that men like them over me and I don't think these girls deserve it.

To expound a little more about what I mean by "these girls". If you are Chinese or have read my super old blog entries when I was single and bitter (before 2006 when I met Mike) you'd be familar with the words 淑女. I used those words all the time. Boring. not-so-smart women who probably "only wear a bit of concealer" and are just... vanilla.

In my naive youth I didn't realise that their biggest attraction was not anything else but their vulnerability. I should understand, I have raging maternal instincts afterall. People want to protect the weak and those who cannot chew a whole trident.

These girls make me feel like if all men drop dead right now due to a deadly testicular virus and woman are forced to pleasure each other then I'd be the one wearing a strap-on and hunting wild boar and restoring democracy. Which is really not their fault but just, URGH.

Let me make something clear. Afterall, I have female friends who are frail as well. Take Audrey for example, who recently got engaged and her ring size is a ridiculous size ONE, the smallest her ringmaker has ever seen in his whole career. I'm sure she didn't mean any harm or to boast when she blogged about that - it was just trivia to her and she's not a show-off, but suddenly my own finger, a bulging size 3.75, is a fucking fat salami in comparison. Why can't I have dainty fingers? I'm an Amazonian woman!

And when I went with Cheesie and Aud to Hongkong, the girls were talking about shoes and since Audrey and I are about the same height I made the mistake of presuming Aud will have the same shoe size as me (5), which is already considered small. But to my horror BOTH Cheesie and Aud have shoe sizes of THREE. -_-

They have the tiniest baby feet and Cheesie has the skinniest chicken legs I've ever seen in a girl. I know because I made the mistake of standing next to her on the Napbas stage where my calves were twice her size and photographed by numerous cameras, mocking me in photos that keep turning up.

When she does foot reflexology with me I think the masseuse is surely going to break her bones. And to make things worse, when they discussed their weight... SUB FORTY KG. 

30+ kg of preciousness and perfect feminine vulnerability. They don't even diet or exercise, God just made them this way for men to go crazy over. I've never felt manlier, so manly I checked for a handlebar moustache. When it wasn't there, I roared my displeasure and put my fist through a wall.

And yet I still love them because despite their apparent attractiveness to the male species, they do not let this, this... vulnerability-thingy become all that defines them. 

Aud is Aud because she is funny and always laughing with googly eyes and Cheesie is Cheesie because of her crazy vanity, weak puns and secret bitchiness that she reveals to very few people. They don't flaunt it in front of everyone (especially to men) like some disgusting girls with no females friends do. They are awesome. And as long as they don't ask MY man to bite a trident in half for them, I am ok. (Which they don't)

Ok I swear this rambly entry has a sort-of conclusion. The conclusion is that all my life, sorta like Tina, I thought I'd never find a man who will love me but I did, and so did she.

Amazingly enough Mike managed to get past the hard shelled outside and get to the gooey stuff inside. Close friends who see me with him will tell you they are super disgusted because with him I talk in the most disgusting cutesy voice and whimper when I open a jar, hoping he will notice and do it. Not because I can't, but because it makes me feel LOVED... I've never acted like this in front of other exes, I suppose he must be something special.

There, I could be all vulnerable and cuddly - I just needed the right person to unlock it. 

Are you vulgar and too independent for your own good too? Curse all the rest of the girls with cavernous vaginas and may you find the man who makes you the disgusting act-cute person you always hated. :)

And meanwhile, don't do it to all the men you see because the rest of the girls notice and they don't appreciate feeling like an unattractive troll standing next to you. 

Same goes for the girls who say statements like "I love doing blowjobs, I always swallow because sperm tastes good" or "I only wear thongs, I just don't get why some girls don't want to feel sexy" or "Dammit my nipples are too big, they always need to be moisturized" in front of everyone, especially other people's boyfriends. The girls will all hate you forever, and you deserve it. I hope you have a cavernous, dua, smelly and hairy orh cheebye and no bridemaids at your shitty wedding because you have no friends.