Monday, October 3, 2016

I Photoshop A Hater

During many interviews I've been asked this question: How are people like in real life to you? Are they as mean as they are on the Internet?

My answer has always been that in the 13 years I've been blogging, I've only encountered people who are rude to me in real life... Say less than 5 times.

Even then it's not open confrontation but just snide remarks and some sniggering.

This number is remarkably low, considering how frequently it happens online.

Plus I am as tall as most people's armpits and frequently tittering on 5 inch heels, making me a terrible sparring opponent if it ever comes to blows. I mean, most people don't go insult burly men because they fear getting punched in the face, right?

But I won't punch people just because they are rude to me. I won't do that because I know I won't win in a fight, what with multiple plastic surgery and languid limbs. Plus after that you have to go to the police station and file reports and blah blah maybe get an assault charge. It's simply not worth it - why get into a fight you can't win?

That doesn't mean I just let people trample all over me. No... I bring the fight to my home ground. You have to be rude? Let's fight on the Internet.

You can probably guess... Today marks another of the rare occasions when someone was actually rude to me! IN REAL LIFE!!

As such, I must let everyone know of this man's bravery! Someone pass him a medal!

The story begins... At about 6pm, I brought Dash (and Ellen) to Bishan AMK park, where there is a water playground which Dash loves.

Not that it's very relevant but here are two photos of Dash having fun at the park - Taken with Sony Nex 5T, and clothes from

It was an impromptu decision to go so I tried to rush out of the house before the sun would set, dressed in shorts, a ratty Tshirt, a cap, sunglasses and absolutely no makeup. Here's a photo:

No photoshop, pimple on nose and all

Ok don't know why I'm trying to justify my dressing wtf. I'm just trying to say that hey it's 2 hours at the neighbourhood park so obviously I'm not looking my most presentable!

Out of my peripheral vision, I noticed someone staring at me.

When I turned to look, it was this middle aged man with his wife, two kids, and his paunch. The couple was looking at me and whispering something but upon seeing that I was looking back at them, the wife averted her eyes.

But the man continued to glare at me and he said loudly, "There is something called photoshop". And then he sniggered.

From this we can speculate that perhaps the wife had started the conversation with something to the likes of "Omg that's Xiaxue, she looks uglier/different in real life" to elicit that response from her husband. But I didn't hear the first sentence, so it's purely conjecture on my part. It seems, however, unlikely to have been anything complimentary.

Let's get something straight yeah. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone saying that I look uglier in real life - that's if I can't hear it.

But to look at me in the face and loudly announce that THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED PHOTOSHOP, that's a fucking rude taunt. AND BOY AM I GOING TO RETALIATE.

After saying his piece, he kept looking at me and smiling, like he thinks he is so damn witty. 很好笑hor? I will now proceed to virtually punch you in the face. 

Sure, he is entitled to his opinion. Well, so am I, and Mr Playground Bully, I am about to give you mine.

Firstly, wow, you are very astute!!

There is indeed something called Photoshop, and I use it all the time. In fact, I'm really really good at it!!!

Secondly, it must really be your lucky day today! After you insulted me, I tried to test my new iPhone 7plus' camera lens on you. I wanted to slowly look at your visage at my pleasure, which was made kinda difficult and awkward as you, instead of focusing on having fun with your kids, decided to keep looking at me and tauntingly smiling at me the entire time I saw you at the park. Don't like that, I shy.

But yeah... I kinda wanna see... You must be very handsome yourself to taunt me for my looks like that right?

So I took a picture - as you know they say it lasts longer - and I have to say that the iPhone 7plus' dual lens did not disappoint! Even though you were pretty far away, the optical zoom worked perfectly well. And you are lucky because I had just bought my iPhone 7plus a few days ago! If this incident happened earlier, my 6plus would have returned a shitty blurry picture of you.

Here's my Pulitzer winning entry:

I title it "Day At The Park With My Chins"

How? Nice hor? In focus and crisp.

Now, not only have I given you some internet fame FOC, I also decided, that since you are so brave to insult me irl, I shall bestow upon you my photoshop skills, the very thing you have mentioned.

People often offer to pay me money to help them photoshop their pictures! You are very very lucky indeed!

First, before one starts on photoshop, we must first decide WHAT to photoshop, so let's expand 'Day At The Park With My Chins' to have more clarity...

YIKES!!!! Ok I'm sorry I did that to my audience. The mo peng is thrown into sharp relief. Ok, so let's remove those first, they definitely have to go.

YAY!! Now you have baby smooth skin!!!

Next up is a real challenge for me... I have to get rid of that double chin!! But how? I mean, it is so double-ish that it actually looks like boobs hahaha

Congratulations, you just got semi aroused by someone's jowls

Hahahaha sorry I just had to... But don't worry, I will try my best to fix it ok!!!


Jeng jeng jeng!!!



I mean, I basically had to use the paint tool to draw a new chin, but it looks passably realistic!

I also edited that bulbous nose so yay me!! Now he looks less like the typical uncles you see at coffee shops drinking beer, watching soccer, and hating the government, and more like a Korean boy band member!! Chin implants, I'm just saying.

Next up... I'm not a fan of the slouchy posture and overall... Doughiness.

But that's really hard to fix via liquifying, so I decided I shall simply give him a new arm.

I went to scout around for a man who takes care of his body and probably doesn't insult women for their appearances, and decided on Mr Hemsworth here... Oh boy...

Hey Chris, what do you say we LEND A HAND to Boobchin here? HAHAHA Oh my Thor I'm so punny.

OMG CHECK IT OUT!!!!!!!!! 

Boobchin looks so good with Chris' arm + stomach flattened!!!


Got a bit distracted when I was searching Mr Hemsworth's pictures... Look at him in all his perfection... So damn cute...

Stop looking at me with those eyes.... What a wonderful specimen of the human race...

And then, on the other end of the spectrum we have....

kua kua kua

Not handsome AND not nice. Yikes.

But it's ok, with some photoshop at least your exterior can change!!! Virtually!

Feel free to put your new handsome photo as your Facebook profile picture! Next time I see you at the park, you can high five me and go "PHOTOSHOP FTW!!!!"

You are welcome. :D

PS: Know this guy? Send me an email with deets!

PPS: I have revived my Youtube Channel @TheXiaxue! Watch my latest video + subscribe if you haven't!! No photoshop on there lol, only amazing makeup skills. *smirk